At 10:00 AM today, Apple will be announcing the iPoo, a small device that will be fitted, at miniscule cost to local governments and zero cost to consumers, inside the rim of every toilet bowl on the planet.

What does it do, you ask? The iPoo will save us all in three ways:

1. Public Health

Sampling waste in the bowl, the device will monitor the health of the individual using the toilet. Personal health issues will be addressed through the release of nanite-administered medications, while the World Health Organization will be alerted to potential health risks to the community as a whole via wireless connection. This data is anonymized to protect the privacy of the individual.

2. Energy

Nanites constantly manufactured and released into the bowl will break down the waste in the sewage or septic system, converting it into clean-burning fuel, which will be collected from septic systems and waste treatment facilities. This fuel can reportedly be used as a direct replacement for natural gas, and converting systems from gasoline and diesel is intended to be inexpensive. Carbon emissions are expected to decline 30% worldwide.

3. Cleaning Power

When not administering essential medical treatments or breaking down human waste, the nanites controlled by the device will keep the bowl sparkling clean.

You saw it here first, folks. Apple’s new creation is going to live up to the hype in ways people haven’t even imagined.